❤

Dear fellow human beings,

Christmas is over, the new year's already been here for 17 days and time flies by so fast, you have to be aware of not getting lost....
I hope you all had amazing holidays and started 2011 in an optimistic and cheerful way!!!

Surely, I did. As most of you know, I went (back) to California for a very intense, crazy, rollercoaster up and down madness of a vacation. It was life as pure and wild and honest and thrilling as it can get...when I think of now that I am back to work and school and my pupils, I could laugh and cry at the same time.
But let's not make the suspense unbearable here, I'm gonna tell what happened....

I started on the first day of my holidays, from Vienna to Paris, Paris to Minneapolis and there I had to wait for like 8 hours for the connection flight and then two more in the plane because there was a snowstorm and they had to de-ice the aircraft. I was actually lucky to make it this far since most airports in Europe closed again two days later due to heavy snowfall.

I made it to L.A. and my cousin Andi, who is studying in San Diego at the moment,  picked me up and we drove two more hours to San Diego. Unfortunately, my baggage had not arrived and it would not for another week!!!! (Im still waiting for Delta Air to pay my bills...had to buy new clothes since I didnt even have a fresh pair of socks!!)

In the hotel in San Diego I was warmly welcomed by my uncle and other cousin Thomas, who were also visiting Andi for Christmas. We celebrated a sort of traditional Christmas with a plastic tree from Walmart, Californian wine and Austrian Christmas cookies made by my aunt about 10, 000 miles away from home and it was so cool to be so far away from home and still have family around. I think it's all about this quote "home is where your heart is" because I felt sort of at home that Christmas night.
In the next two days, we checked out San Diego and the surrounding area which is really beautiful.

(I dont have many pictures anymore because I was so stupid as to lose my camera on New Year's eve. So I just post some from the internet and some of my cousin's.) But two days is way to little time to get to know a town, so I guess I have to go back there too.

Universal Studios

On the third day, we drove up to L.A. and on our way stopped in Laguna Beach. Laguna is the perfect upper-class beach town, really pretty and amazing mansions. But in my opinion, it is all a little sterile and too perfect for my taste. I like imperfections and a little randomness as these aspects make towns more memorable...

Then we spent two days in Los Angeles, the city of angels, doing the classical tourist stuff (Universal Studios - this was actually a lot of fun! and Hollywood - I couldnt find the stars of either James Dean and Marlon Brando, I was disappointed!!!) but the city did not really appeal to me for real (two days are too short to say anything anyway). First of all because without a car, you are really lost. Everyone has a car as the bus system is a little confusing and difficult to understand and the city is so vast that it might take you about 2 hours to take a bus. I made this experience...it was not so pleasant but that was due to an urgent need of sleep after the worst night in California ever...

I wanted to couchsurf (www.couchsurfing.org) in Silverlake, L.A. for a couple of days and had found a host that sounded nice as far as one can tell this from an email. My uncle and cousins brought me to his place and went to Las Vegas, I didnt want to go to Vegas with them because some days later some friends of my cousin would arrive and I'd go with them. So I stayed in L.A. with this guy.

Well, this was really weird and honestly, I was scared. He shook my hand and let me into his apartment. The first thing I noticed was the strong smell of weed. Then, the living room and kitchen were an incredible mess with tons of old dishes and cereal boxes spread all over the place. I thought it can't be that bad, I'm staying here for free, let's try some conversation. People who know me know that I talk a lot, especially when I'm nervous or insecure and so I think I totally bended the guys ears...
However, he wasn't very talkative anyway. We found a common subject, music, as he is an aspiring musician. And his stuff was good. He even wanted to bring me to a place I wanted to see, the Griffith Observatory, to see the sunset and the famous statue of James Dean....but traffic is sick in L.A., so it got dark before we even got anywhere close to it.

When we came back to his apartment, he sat down, pulled out this immense bag of weed from under the couch (where I was going to spend the night) and fixed himself a bong. He wanted to share, but I refused as I was a girl alone with an unknown guy in a huge city...no way! He then started playing computer games and totally gave up talking to me...at some point he asked me to join, I gave it a shot but he was so stoned that it wasn't much fun to play quiz games...

and when I went to the bathroom for the first time, I wanted to scream really loud!! It was one of the dirties and most fucked up bathrooms I've ever been in. The old Flex (a famous night club in Vienna) toilets were equally dirty and smelly. I just thought "I am not a princess but this is way too dirty, even for me"...so I went back to his computer that he allowed me to use and I immediately booked a bed in an all girls bedroom in a hostel in Santa Monica. Without luggage/sleeping bag and someone social who could at least comfort me a little and make up for the mess in the apartment by being social and considering that a stranger is around who might not feel so cool around a totally stoned stranger....I mean not that I am afraid of stoners, I know in most cases they are too lazy to harm someone, but still, the situation was fuckin scary for me and I just wanted to get out. I didnt sleep very much that night....

And the next day, I woke up at 8 and took my purse and my plastic bags and left the house. I left a note on the table saying that I was sorry but I didn't feel very comfortable as I was waiting for my luggage and needed some beach time...I took the next bus to downtown L.A., a pretty empty and also a slightely scary place at 8.30 in the morning, asked a women for the bus to Santa Monica, she didn't speak English, only Spanish, so made up a sentence from my rudimentary Spanish skills and she got it and told me the number and the street...I hopped on another bus and spent the next hour riding it all the way from Downtown to Santa Monica, through Beverly Hills and down Santa Monica boulevard, which is probably the longest boulevard I've ever been on...

I was so happy when I arrived in Santa Monica, checked in the hostel and almost hugged the receptionist, when she told me I could instantly get into my room...I took a shower, I felt like a bum after sleeping on the stoner couch under the stoner blanket...and my whole mood changed from miserable to relieved immediately...

The next three days I spent in this hostel and at the beach, talking to people from all over the world, in particular with one of the women in my room...an elderly lady who never told me her name, neither did I. She lives in Mexico and was visiting people in California. She told me she used to have a book store in Aspen, Colorado, and I told her that my favourite writer, Hunter S. Thompson, lived in Aspen...and she said that she has actually met him when he walked in and checked out her book store. She also met Allen Ginsberg, beat poet laureate, and meditated with him when he was giving a lecture on loving kindness and writing. She was also active in fighting cencorship in literature in the 60s and 70s. When I talked to her I realized that I would love to live a life like she did. She told me where she had traveled to, whom she had been with, what she had seen and seemed to now be perfectly happy with a small house in the mountains of Mexico. I am so happy that I met her, it was fascinating to listen to her stories!! I gave her a big bear hug when we had to say goodbye.

The day I had to leave L.A. was a good day. I was informed that my luggage had finally arrived, so I went to the airport, got my bag (in a surprisingly good condition) and met my uncle and cousin, who were leaving the US, to say goodbye. Then, my cousin Andi and me welcomed some of our friends from Austria and hit the road again...all the way to Las Vegas. The ride was not so funny since there were tons of traffic jams and I didn't get to see the desert in day light...and I wanted to see the desert by day soo badly!! :-(

After a long drive, we arrived in our hostel (no hotel in Vegas?? I didn't organize this *gg*) which was a bit of a bummer as it was not very nice compared to the one in Santa Monica. It was freezing cold and the only thing that helped was beer and then the heater eventually started working...

Next day, New year's eve, we spent sitting in the only attraction of the hostel...the hot tub, drinking beer and behaving like idiots. (I'll get pics of this!!) When we all looked like ogres, being all wrinkly from the water, we went back to our room and initiated a really wild night. At some point things got crazy, we drank these diabolical drinks called"Tilt"and "Four Loko", which are energy drinks with malt liquor, the latter has been banned in California...and I have to admit that they made everyone totally wild. We then headed for the Strip and all I remember is lights...too many people...talking to random strangers...fireworks...freezing cold...and yay, midnight...more lights and more fireworks. We also went gambling, I think I lost 20 or 30$ at the machines. My counsin's friend lost 30$ in 2 minutes at the Black Jack table!!

I really felt a little like in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas...all these people pushing you around, the lights, the carpet floors (they really are psychodelic, shiat!!)...and it was just a general information overload...we then got bored and tired and tried to get a taxi back to hostel which was an endeavor of 2 hours until we got on...the taxi driver, Willy Castro, became my friend...he originally was from Sao Paolo and so we had something to talk about. I was even able to remember my four words of Portugese and he gave me his business card which says "Will Castro, Taxi &Limosine, Free Rides to the Strip Clubs..your friendly ride in the sin city".

I collapsed into bed and woke up early next morning with a manageable hangover. Instead of relaxing, we went back to the Strip and did the crazy rollercoaster ride at the New York hotel...not the best idea with a fucked up stomach and a headache. But I survived this sick ride...it even has a loop...and it was soo fast. I love fast and wild, I love rollercoasters. (However, I wanted to puke afterwards because my stomach didn't appreciate this ignorant treatment...)

After that I had to catch a plane...one I was really looking forward too...domestic flight to my favourite city...and I was really excited.

But I think I will have to split this blog into two parts...otherwise none will finish reading or fall asleep while trying to make sense of my gibberish...
So next time you will get the rest of the story...if you are interested.

Thank you for your attention. Life is out there for all of us.


PS: Since I have arrived at home, I have problems finding the right music. I don't want to listen to the stuff I've listening to in California as it might carry me away and make me a little sad...so I listened to this record my friend Orangutanklaus recommended me by a "band" called Baths. And I quickly found a new temporary favourite song that sort of expresses my feelings towards life, love and everything...
This song is called ♥ by Baths...enjoy!

I wanna win the new Dead To Me EP so I repost this...

Yes, the title says it all. Here it is:

Free Shit x Dead To Me 7inch
…Brick Gun Records brings ya a brand new 7inch by DEAD TO ME. it has 3 new tracks and those songs are bangin’. and if you don’t know what’s up, check out Dead To Me right now; they are one of S.F.’s finest.
i am giving away 1 FREE copy of this record TODAY.
to enter this giveaway: REBLOG THIS POST ON YOUR BLOG.
if you are working with blogspot or any other blog/website, repost it on there and email me the link: eudorarock@yahoo.com
after 24 hours, i will randomly choose 1 person who reblogged this post and send you this 7inch for FREEEEEEEEEEEE. and i will ship internationally.
thanks so much to Brady at Brick Gun and the homies from DTM. thanks for supporting siqshit the blog. and if you wish to order this record, please do by clicking here.

And yes, I really wanna win. And I deserve to win as I was singing along their songs at their last show in Vienna....

I'm gonna change your life...

Hey there...

 Man, do i feel fucked up today! Just came back home from a trip to Berlin with my best friend and we had a great time. But last night i drank a little too much and i feel like i got a lobotomy while sleeping. on the way to the airport i started sweating and had to concentrate hard so that i dont puke into the taxi. i haven't been ruined like this for ages...but this has been my first holiday with my best friend since 4 years, so it's ok to feel fucked up for one day...

Berlin is an amazing city. It was the third time i went there and i frickin love it (and its inhabitants). I think it's my favourite city in Europe...i feel like i have to go and live there for a while. maybe next summer...
Every time i go there, i feel good about people. i have met so many nice, interesting, funny, charming, open-minded and creative people that im impressed. i know that might just be an tourist impression, but it doesnt matter.

it underlines the fact that life basically is about human relationships. but we tend to forget how precious relations can be. you are so used to be surrounded by people that you forget how important they are. and how much influence they can have over you. they can change your life.

i used to be a pretty negative and overly sensitive person. i still am in many ways. but i once met a wise young man who was able to change my whole perspective within a couple of hours. he said so many smart things...not to impress me, just because he listened to me and then gave me this idea of things. very simple ideas that actually now are engraved in my mind and since then i am a totally different person in many ways. and there are more people out there that do the same all the time...

im happier, i regard life as your one and only chance to make a difference and to enjoy yourself. to see the good things but also not look away from the bad things. and the most important idea is that you have to learn how to accept things. how to stop fighting against everything. i used to do that a lot and i suffered a lot. now im less attached to things/people (which doesnt mean that i dont appreciate or love them) and i stopped fighting about things i cant change.

i now accepted that my dad is not gonna change his life. he's has been on the road to ruin for years but i will never be able to change his ways. and that is alright. i have to accept the fact that i cant have influence over everything and everyone. it's alright. but that's why i also try to live my life in a way that makes me happy and try to avoid suffering as much as i can. i accepted myself and others and life the way it is and now i can enjoy things/people to the fullest.

these 4 days were all about it. i cant explain the relationship between my best friend and me. it's very strong. we constantly think the same, say the same. we mainly have the same ideas about life and we share everything. im so thankful to have a friend like her.  i couldnt do without her. id do everything for her. i wished every human being had a friend like that. and not just tons of facebook friends you barely know. 

the only thing that ruins my happiness is that many great people that i really appreciate do not live in vienna, not even in austria and sometimes even on a different continent. but im glad there are aeroplanes and i can see them at least sometimes. 

now comes another friend and brings me food and a movie. otherwise id starve to death and feel a little sad tonight. leaving a place always makes me a little sad. but yeah, i cant change it...and it's gonna be alright tomorrow...

enjoy your fellow humans and take care....

PS: my recommandation today is a band called The Thermals. their song "Im gonna change your life" reflects what im thinking about today....i wanna change peoples' lives....i wanna give them something. something good. and i will keep doing my best....

Total Life Forever

Dear readers...

Yes, I know, I haven't updated my blog for a while now, but I have been sooo damn busy. I worked in the hostel almost every day and I'm still working on the translation that takes a lot more time than I actually expected. But things are getting better, the hostel has closed, the season's over and none is gonna bother me with questions like "Where is the nearest supermarket?" or "Do you sell beer?". Although it was boring by times and some people were particularly annoying, I enjoyed working in the hostel. I like helping people and making them comfortable. And I know how important it is to get some good first hand information from the locals when you're travelling. I can imagine working in a hostel for a longer period...for sure not full-time because it's just so annoying to repeat the same things for 8 hours a day, but if I start studying again, maybe this is an option to afford my lifestyle...

But it's not that I am unemployed at the moment...nope! Although my Californian dream didn't work out because it seems to be impossible to get a proper US visa, I am doing really fine at the moment. I decided to finish my teacher education by doing a one year practical stage in a school...and since there is a lack of English teachers, I do not only teach the two classes you have to do for the teacher training program, but I got two more classes....so I spend my days in school...trying to grow into this new role that I've been given...from the student to the teacher. But this is not easy as you might guess...a bunch of wild teenagers can be very difficult to manage. Fortunately, I got the "she's young and seems to be cool" bonus, so so far, I have managed to handle the little brats and survive every lesson without nervous breakdowns! But yeah, this year is going to be exciting and I'm gonna let you know more about my life as a teacher in high-school...

I've also moved to a new appartment in a new district of Vienna, close to the school in which Im teaching. I love my new place although it still looks a bit "raw"...I only got a little bit furniture because I have not managed so far to bring my stuff from home to Vienna...but I think next month, my new "crib" will be fully adapted. It's a really old house and there are only 3 people living here - a very old couple and a woman in her mid-thirties. And a bunch of cats that always spy on me...

The raw state of my apartment made me a little creative...I painted this simple thing on a piece of mirror....

that's actually a nice work for me, since I am totally uncapable of drawing...I'd love to draw stuff similar to what Ralph Steadman did (just ordered this poster for my apartment...I'm so happy about it!!)

Well, Im pondering about a couple of things lately. First, it is actually great that life is in permanent transition, that nothing is permanent. Every day you can get up and try it again and things change and although sometimes you might have a hard time, better times will come for sure. I know for some hardcore pessimists among you, this might be bullshit...but honestly, if you're feeling bad all the time you have to look for a reason within yourself. And change things that make you unhappy. I have had tough periods and I always came out of it richer (in an emotional sense) and "smarter" than before...so I don't try to fall into black holes as deep as I could because I know things pass...and change. And that is great!

One problem I still have to learn how to cope with is people bitching around. I really dislike talking bad about people behind their backs. I know I sometimes do it myself, but I have tried to be more aware of what I am saying to whom and why. Some people just seem to exploit a person so that they have something to talk about and something so that they can feel better about themselves. I'm wondering if people don't experience more important things in their lives than what other people are saying or doing. Especially when it is people you don't really know or you've just heard about! People should be less judgemental in general...and bitching behing one's back is a part of this! I don't wanna preach here, but I really have difficulties grasping the sense of talking bad about someone else...what do you gain?? 

Well, so in this sense, one of my top ten goals is being less judgemental...especially because this will ruin my objetivity in class! If I start judging people by what I hear about them or their appearance, my evaluation would be a joke! Live and let live...stop worrying about other people...it's ourselves we should worry about...

I also got good news from the musical front. I actually made it to the rehearsal room with Anda and we cranked out some tunes that sounded really good. We have set up a couple of songs without even playing together, just by sending each other bits and pieces...if you got an Apple computer you don't even need to rehearse to write or record a song...it's weird, but it somehow works. Sure, rehearsing every week would make us a lot more productive, but still, for living in two different parts of Austria, we manage this thing very well. I only struggle with one damn song. It is crazy! I wrote the whole thing apart from the verse melody in one piece one afternoon. But I can't figure out a damn verse melody...I've tried so many, nothing satisfies me! But maybe I'm trying to hard...However, I got Anda, my captain and leader, who will, as always, figure out a solution! He's the man!

Ok, I now feel the need to go and play guitar and try my luck with the damn song again!
Leave comments or I will be sad that none cares....show me some virtual affection here guys and gals!

PS: This times I present you an Indie band I've come to like this summer. In summer, I always listen to what for me is "lighter" stuff than in winter...you might call it summer sound. And this band has been part of my summer soundtrack. They are called FOALS....I don't know anything about them. Apart from the fact that I don't like their first record. Their latest one is really cute though. It is called Total Life Forever (sweet title) and has a cover that reminded me of another album I particularly liked...


Here's the link to their single Total Life Forever....the record is one that you have to listen from the first to the last song in straight order, otherwise it loses its atmosphere...so try to enjoy the last warm sunrays with this sound.

xx

A Prescription for Mankind...

Hey there!

I know it took me a while but Im finally back with an update on life and the latest questions I have tried to think about...

Well, it has been busy. I have been busy. And it was emotionally perturbing in so many ways. I graduated. I needed a job. A last minute decision brought me a summer job as a receptionist in a youth hostel in Vienna. It can get stressful but most of the time I enjoy the work because I like helping people and that what's my main task there...help them with rooms and finding their way around the city. And my colleagues are really nice, the money I earn is right and so Im satisfied.

Im also translating a book - yes, a whole 300 pages book about Airway Management from American English to German. Im doing this for the paramedics from Samariter Bund and I tell you, these guys are smart people if they know all the stuff I translate...the book is highly medical and focussing on the physical and manual aspects of making people breathe better in emergency situations. Although I have been a member of the Youth Red Cross for about 2 years and even have won a price in First Aid with a group from there, I don't know anything about airway management. So it is quite a demanding task - but definitely interesting to learn what the heck they are talking about in Emergency Room.

And I have finally made the decision - in pretty demotivated and sad circumstances - that Im going to spend another year in Vienna and do the practical year of my teacher education to get the full permission to work as a teacher. I wanted to go to the US so bad the whole year...but I have not seen the right possibility. It is so difficult to obtain a proper visa and the au-pair thing I have had in mind didnt work out. So change of plans...I also attended the "uni success" fair at the university in Vienna - basically a fair about careers and I decided to apply for a Fulbright scholarship for a doctorate/PhD in the US next year!! The application process is super tough, but if I get one I could write my dissertation at an American university and teach there...which would be an amazing thing to do...
But this needs preperation and I need to find a professor at an American uni that would be interested in supervising my dissertation. And figure out a topic first...I got some ideas, but nothing so concrete as to write a research proposal...

So yeah, it's decided - this next year is going to be about work...about finding my way and the thing I wanna do in my life...and I guess that is a pretty big thing.

Well, the next problem was to find a place to stay in Vienna since I moved out of the apartment I shared with my brother in August 2008 and since then I have been living in Rome, Stanford, travelling, staying at home at my mum's or with Rafael or my Schnur...and finding a proper place to stay in Vienna is tough (as probably everywhere)!! The first room in a shared apartment I checked out was perfect - nice room, nice people, nice location, good price! But the people in the apartment didnt take me because, I quote, "you're too good to be true! We decided to give the room to someone who has difficulties finding one and we are sure you won't" - I thought that was a joke...but nope, they were serious about it! Well, I somehow like their social attitude but I still hope they got a weird pervert or so instead of me :P
But now I found a 46 m2 apartment all for myself...and super close to the school in which Im going to work as of September. Im going to move in 1 August and I am looking forward to have my own four walls again...

So things are falling into place...not the exact way I wanted them, but it is going to be alright. I am satisfied and try to make the best out of it. Like always. Im trying my best.
And still, many things go wrong or are different from what I expect and this disappoints me. My greatest enemy in life is myself. I am the one that disappoints me the most. And my insecurity about myself that I am struggling with day by day. I think my friends think of me as a strong person but I also know they are wrong. It's true that I can be tough in many situations...but basically Im thinking too much and Im too sensitive for being tough! Every word I hear, every picture I see has some sort of impact on me...and although this can be a very pleasing quality...it can also be a pain in the neck since my mind plays a lot of tricks on me.

Im insecure and I look for approval in other people. I often need other people to feel good about myself. Sometimes I dont, it depends on my daily to minutely mood. If people only give me their complaints...if they only tell me what I do wrong, I really feel bad about myself...because I think of things and see that Im making a lot of mistakes. I guess most people function like this. I feel better if someone says something nice about me. I think this is normal. But this can be difficult sometimes...as I said, my mind plays tricks on me and sometimes I lack the strength to be on top of my mood and my feelings. I lose control and do whatever I feel like - I get mad, angry, sad, crazy and so on. I have been trying hard and I do really well as long as I am not getting involved with people...people fuck me up or better and more honest - I fuck myself up with the help of other people. I can be really fine and balanced but only one person needs to say something wrong, something I didn't expect, then I can lose grip of myself and get sad or angry or both.

I once read a nice Buddhist story that was similar - A monk was living alone in the mountains and was meditating all day and being one with existence. One day a farmer reaches the monk's cave and asks him what he is doing there. The monk explains that he tries to be one with the world and accept existence the way it is. The farmer tells him to go to hell whereon the monk gets really angry and shouts at the farmer. The farmer laughs and says that it is easy to be one with the world when you are alone in a cave...

There's a lot of wisdom in this little story - it is easy to be happy and cool if no one and nothing is bothering you. But the thing that makes life difficult but that can be the most beautiful at the same time is human relationships...they can give you so much, but also ruin you to an extend that you totally lose yourself. Im exaggerating in some ways, but I've seen and been through so many difficult situations involving people. And the main thing people complain about is other people. Im looking for the right way to manage relationships but often I am wrong - there are misunderstandings, unexpressed things, underlying issues and little details that all matter, and basically as a human you're forced to live with your own perspective most of the time...and it is hard to get something like a full picture because reality as such doesn't exist. We can only assume how other people look at thing and how they think.

Because the next problem that might ease many difficulties but often make things more complicated is communication. Achieving a good communication with people is very hard. And words are just ways of putting things, a way of trying to make sense that doesnt necessarily make sense for other people. (like what I am writing here!?!?!) Well, at the moment I am losing faith in communication and human relationships...I don't know how to handle them. When I dont put much effort, the other person gets disappointed. If I put much effort and expect things, I get burned.

But I think the underlying issue here is expectations - I think most people expect things from other people. Especially if there is some sort of emotional involvement. And this is where things basically go wrong. If you expect things from other people, you are an easy target for disappointment. If you don't expect things, you can do great. But have you ever managed not to expect anything from anyone you cared for? Family, Friends, Lovers? I don't know a single person who is able NOT TO EXPECT anything...maybe some enlightened Buddhists like the Dalai Lama can do that...I don't know. I would like to know though. And I would like to know how to learn NOT TO EXPECT.

So if you know someone, introduce me to him/her.
If you got any answers or comments or thoughts about this, please share them with me...seriously.

Good night and good Luck!
S

PS: My musical recommandation tonight is Spinnerette. Some of you might remeber the hottest chick punk rock has ever seen, namely Brody Dalle.

She was the singer of the Distillers and the wife of Tim Armstrong. But she fell in love with Josh Homme, the QOTSA singer. The divorce is documented in one of my favourite records ever, the Distillers' Coral Fang. After a musical break and becoming a mum, she is back with a new band called Spinnerette that obviously are influenced by the music her husband is producing. But nevertheless, she is still able to write amazing songs, great lyrics and has a powerful voice. This one is one of my favourites from their first record: Spinnerette - The Walking Dead

Interludes with Ludes...

Hey there...

What's up?

Im at home, drinking Gösser NaturRadler and listen to music. Which is nice. But there are not many other things that you wanna do if it has been raining for days...like here in Austria, we have had the worst May ever!! It rained the whole month! It was just horrible...I wanna know how much this weather has affected the Austrian people in general? If the morale has declined about 100% and people are more motivated to kill their workmates as to work properly??

For students, this lack of sunshine is great as it implies a lack of possibilities to go and "study" in the park...which always end in some cans of beer and no interest in books...

I was one of these students....until about 2 weeks ago...when I had the big FINAL exam!! The two weeks before it, I was hiding in the appartment, head in the books, writing til my fingers hurt and I got cramps...the three days before the exam I had signed up for sitting at the info counter of the Vienna real estate fair because they pay well and I'm always in need of money. So I was sitting there, reading my summaries and answering the same questions for three days. Well, actually it was good to work there because if I stayed home, I'd have gone mad with excitement and nervosity. Two days before the exam, I had a small nervous breakdown: I sat in the kitchen, in between books and scribbled notes and felt so dumb...like I didn't know anything anymore...I couldn't answer the easiest questions and I felt totally overwhelmed with excitement...I cried...it was too much for me! However, I followed my professor's advice: "Just get someone to hug you before the exam"...and I went to bed.

The night of the exam I got all worried because I hadn't decided on a motivational song for the exam...and it was not easy to find one. I just couldn't decide...so two made it into the finals: 1) The Gaslight Anthem - Drive and 2) One Man Army - All The Way...both songs that I associate with good moments and good people..and I listened to them on the way to university the next day.

And I went to the exam...all nervous...I went to pee like 15 times...and I didn't know which room the exam was going to take place, so I had to call my colleague who had the exam right after me and was always better informed than me (Thanx again Michi!!).
I found the room, found two of the three professors that were goin to test me. And the last one, the supervisor of my thesis, also appeared...we shut the door...smalltalk...nervosity...smiles...acting as if I was as cool as fuck...and my supervisor asked me to present my thesis...and explain what and why I did it...first question over, 10 minutes have passed...next topic: American culture in Austria since WW II...

...questions like "What is pop culture?"...be careful to avoid traps...fuck, stepped in a trap...try to make my way out...change the topic...done...20 minutes over, 40 to go...third question- "The Beat Poets" - "Recite the first line of Alan Ginsberg's poem "Howl"...messed up one word..."Why was it banned??"...outrageous content...SEXSEXSEXHOMOSEXUALSINTHE50sDRUGSINDECENTBEHAVIOR...talktalktalk...last question "Why have the Beat poets been important?"...influeced the later generations, idea of freedom...nobody fuckin with you...importance for pop culture...BLABLABLA

Then my French professor started to ask questions...I mess up the first question...he talks and talks and talks...I wanna say something...he talks...20 mins to go...I say something...he disagrees...I get really nervous now...I try to switch topic...he talks...I listen and look at my other professor who blinks at me...he talks...I know I'm not doing so great. Second topic...I talk...a little more...he asks a question...I reply...he talks...and talks...I hope that it's over soon...my palms are sweaty...

I say something, he disagrees...I think I messed up completely. TIME OVER! They ask me to leave the room...

I wait outside...there are other people waiting...I try to talk to them, can't stand still...feel useless...EVERHOPINGTHEBESTBUTEXPECTINGTHEWORST I repeat in my head...it hurts...I wanna go home...after what seems to be forever, the door opens and they ask me in again...the chairprofessor announes: "I'm happy to congratulate you, you have passed...and actually WITH DISTINCTION...."...me: "What? How so??"...why do they want me to pass with distinction as I messed up in French...my French professor says "Well, I had a hard time to agree on the distinction, but I know you know the things I have asked you!!" (I have been in his office hours two days before and he asked me the same questions which I answered without problems....)...I feel weird...shake their hands...say thank you...and can leave the room...it is over...DONE...FINITO...BASTA...

And about two weeks later it still feels weird...I now got (something like) a master in teacher education in English and French...I'm done with university...tomorrow I can pick up my final certificate...and I can sign up for the official graduation ceremony which primarily aims at making my parents happy - not me because I pay 80€ for this crap...and haven't I paid enough university fees in the last couple of years???...graduation should be for free!! Even if you don't want the official ceremony, you pay 60€ for this crappy piece of paper that says you're an academic...(even if I still feel like a useless moron 99% of the time....)

Well, some people might be incredibly happy about graduation...I am too, but within limits...I mean now, they gonna cut on my financial aid and I gotta get a job...and for someone who doesn't know what she wants to do, finding a job sucks...especially because I don't wanna commit. I need a temporary job because I still hope to get a job in the US or if this doesn't work out I've decided to try my luck in Berlin...other options are staying in Vienna, sign up for school and teach English an French in high school...which is actually why I studied...but during the years I have changed my mind. Not that I don't like the idea of being a teacher (since I am a fuckin smartass and I hate myself for that) but I don't feel MATURE enough to go into a school and teach teenagers about life (in English)...I feel like a little girl and I don't wanna start doing this job because there are basically no career opportunities...not that I am much into gettin a career, but I don't wanna do the same job for the rest of my life!! I don't wanna end up like one of these frustrated teachers that hate their job but that are afraid of changing something...

I wanna do something that makes me happy and not stay in Vienna...because after six years here, I feel like something new...a new place and a new life...new opportunities...

So I spend a lot of time on the internet, looking for ideas and addresses, people and possibilities...and hope that one day I wake up and all things will fall into place...keep your fingers crossed and wish me luck...

Well, I feel like I've written enough so far...and I don't wanna fill you guys and gals up with too much information...and I know most people do not like to read from the screen. But since I got so much feedback and so many comments last time, I don't think many people are actually reading my shameful gibberish anyway!!!

So good night and good luck...

PS: Tomorrow I'm going to see Them Crooked Vultures live in the Arena in Vienna...I would have never bought a ticket because 43€ is way too much in my opinion...I usually pay around 20€ for all the shows I go to...my friend said it's because I only go to see second rate bands...ha ha ha...well, I got a ticket and so I'm going to see Dave Grohl for the first time behind the drums...and Josh Homme for the first time (I still hate myself for not having seen Queens of the Stone Age live yet!!) and the bassist of Led Zeppelin John Paul Fuckin Jones...well, let's go and see what has been labeled a "super band"...open-air in the rain...with shitloads of beer because I'm very thirsty these day....here's the link to one of their songs: Them Crooked Vultures - Scumbag Blues

Arrhythmic Palpitations...

Hello everyone!!

How has life been treating you lately?? All going well? Or are you stressed out and on the verge of a nervous breakdown??