Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Interludes with Ludes...

Hey there...

What's up?

Im at home, drinking Gösser NaturRadler and listen to music. Which is nice. But there are not many other things that you wanna do if it has been raining for days...like here in Austria, we have had the worst May ever!! It rained the whole month! It was just horrible...I wanna know how much this weather has affected the Austrian people in general? If the morale has declined about 100% and people are more motivated to kill their workmates as to work properly??


For students, this lack of sunshine is great as it implies a lack of possibilities to go and "study" in the park...which always end in some cans of beer and no interest in books...

I was one of these students....until about 2 weeks ago...when I had the big FINAL exam!! The two weeks before it, I was hiding in the appartment, head in the books, writing til my fingers hurt and I got cramps...the three days before the exam I had signed up for sitting at the info counter of the Vienna real estate fair because they pay well and I'm always in need of money. So I was sitting there, reading my summaries and answering the same questions for three days. Well, actually it was good to work there because if I stayed home, I'd have gone mad with excitement and nervosity. Two days before the exam, I had a small nervous breakdown: I sat in the kitchen, in between books and scribbled notes and felt so dumb...like I didn't know anything anymore...I couldn't answer the easiest questions and I felt totally overwhelmed with excitement...I cried...it was too much for me! However, I followed my professor's advice: "Just get someone to hug you before the exam"...and I went to bed.

The night of the exam I got all worried because I hadn't decided on a motivational song for the exam...and it was not easy to find one. I just couldn't decide...so two made it into the finals: 1) The Gaslight Anthem - Drive and 2) One Man Army - All The Way...both songs that I associate with good moments and good people..and I listened to them on the way to university the next day.

And I went to the exam...all nervous...I went to pee like 15 times...and I didn't know which room the exam was going to take place, so I had to call my colleague who had the exam right after me and was always better informed than me (Thanx again Michi!!).
I found the room, found two of the three professors that were goin to test me. And the last one, the supervisor of my thesis, also appeared...we shut the door...smalltalk...nervosity...smiles...acting as if I was as cool as fuck...and my supervisor asked me to present my thesis...and explain what and why I did it...first question over, 10 minutes have passed...next topic: American culture in Austria since WW II...

...questions like "What is pop culture?"...be careful to avoid traps...fuck, stepped in a trap...try to make my way out...change the topic...done...20 minutes over, 40 to go...third question- "The Beat Poets" - "Recite the first line of Alan Ginsberg's poem "Howl"...messed up one word..."Why was it banned??"...outrageous content...SEXSEXSEXHOMOSEXUALSINTHE50sDRUGSINDECENTBEHAVIOR...talktalktalk...last question "Why have the Beat poets been important?"...influeced the later generations, idea of freedom...nobody fuckin with you...importance for pop culture...BLABLABLA

Then my French professor started to ask questions...I mess up the first question...he talks and talks and talks...I wanna say something...he talks...20 mins to go...I say something...he disagrees...I get really nervous now...I try to switch topic...he talks...I listen and look at my other professor who blinks at me...he talks...I know I'm not doing so great. Second topic...I talk...a little more...he asks a question...I reply...he talks...and talks...I hope that it's over soon...my palms are sweaty...

I say something, he disagrees...I think I messed up completely. TIME OVER! They ask me to leave the room...

I wait outside...there are other people waiting...I try to talk to them, can't stand still...feel useless...EVERHOPINGTHEBESTBUTEXPECTINGTHEWORST I repeat in my head...it hurts...I wanna go home...after what seems to be forever, the door opens and they ask me in again...the chairprofessor announes: "I'm happy to congratulate you, you have passed...and actually WITH DISTINCTION...."...me: "What? How so??"...why do they want me to pass with distinction as I messed up in French...my French professor says "Well, I had a hard time to agree on the distinction, but I know you know the things I have asked you!!" (I have been in his office hours two days before and he asked me the same questions which I answered without problems....)...I feel weird...shake their hands...say thank you...and can leave the room...it is over...DONE...FINITO...BASTA...

And about two weeks later it still feels weird...I now got (something like) a master in teacher education in English and French...I'm done with university...tomorrow I can pick up my final certificate...and I can sign up for the official graduation ceremony which primarily aims at making my parents happy - not me because I pay 80€ for this crap...and haven't I paid enough university fees in the last couple of years???...graduation should be for free!! Even if you don't want the official ceremony, you pay 60€ for this crappy piece of paper that says you're an academic...(even if I still feel like a useless moron 99% of the time....)

Well, some people might be incredibly happy about graduation...I am too, but within limits...I mean now, they gonna cut on my financial aid and I gotta get a job...and for someone who doesn't know what she wants to do, finding a job sucks...especially because I don't wanna commit. I need a temporary job because I still hope to get a job in the US or if this doesn't work out I've decided to try my luck in Berlin...other options are staying in Vienna, sign up for school and teach English an French in high school...which is actually why I studied...but during the years I have changed my mind. Not that I don't like the idea of being a teacher (since I am a fuckin smartass and I hate myself for that) but I don't feel MATURE enough to go into a school and teach teenagers about life (in English)...I feel like a little girl and I don't wanna start doing this job because there are basically no career opportunities...not that I am much into gettin a career, but I don't wanna do the same job for the rest of my life!! I don't wanna end up like one of these frustrated teachers that hate their job but that are afraid of changing something...

I wanna do something that makes me happy and not stay in Vienna...because after six years here, I feel like something new...a new place and a new life...new opportunities...

So I spend a lot of time on the internet, looking for ideas and addresses, people and possibilities...and hope that one day I wake up and all things will fall into place...keep your fingers crossed and wish me luck...

Well, I feel like I've written enough so far...and I don't wanna fill you guys and gals up with too much information...and I know most people do not like to read from the screen. But since I got so much feedback and so many comments last time, I don't think many people are actually reading my shameful gibberish anyway!!!

So good night and good luck...

PS: Tomorrow I'm going to see Them Crooked Vultures live in the Arena in Vienna...I would have never bought a ticket because 43€ is way too much in my opinion...I usually pay around 20€ for all the shows I go to...my friend said it's because I only go to see second rate bands...ha ha ha...well, I got a ticket and so I'm going to see Dave Grohl for the first time behind the drums...and Josh Homme for the first time (I still hate myself for not having seen Queens of the Stone Age live yet!!) and the bassist of Led Zeppelin John Paul Fuckin Jones...well, let's go and see what has been labeled a "super band"...open-air in the rain...with shitloads of beer because I'm very thirsty these day....here's the link to one of their songs: Them Crooked Vultures - Scumbag Blues