Sunday, July 18, 2010

A Prescription for Mankind...

Hey there!

I know it took me a while but Im finally back with an update on life and the latest questions I have tried to think about...

Well, it has been busy. I have been busy. And it was emotionally perturbing in so many ways. I graduated. I needed a job. A last minute decision brought me a summer job as a receptionist in a youth hostel in Vienna. It can get stressful but most of the time I enjoy the work because I like helping people and that what's my main task them with rooms and finding their way around the city. And my colleagues are really nice, the money I earn is right and so Im satisfied.

Im also translating a book - yes, a whole 300 pages book about Airway Management from American English to German. Im doing this for the paramedics from Samariter Bund and I tell you, these guys are smart people if they know all the stuff I translate...the book is highly medical and focussing on the physical and manual aspects of making people breathe better in emergency situations. Although I have been a member of the Youth Red Cross for about 2 years and even have won a price in First Aid with a group from there, I don't know anything about airway management. So it is quite a demanding task - but definitely interesting to learn what the heck they are talking about in Emergency Room.

And I have finally made the decision - in pretty demotivated and sad circumstances - that Im going to spend another year in Vienna and do the practical year of my teacher education to get the full permission to work as a teacher. I wanted to go to the US so bad the whole year...but I have not seen the right possibility. It is so difficult to obtain a proper visa and the au-pair thing I have had in mind didnt work out. So change of plans...I also attended the "uni success" fair at the university in Vienna - basically a fair about careers and I decided to apply for a Fulbright scholarship for a doctorate/PhD in the US next year!! The application process is super tough, but if I get one I could write my dissertation at an American university and teach there...which would be an amazing thing to do...
But this needs preperation and I need to find a professor at an American uni that would be interested in supervising my dissertation. And figure out a topic first...I got some ideas, but nothing so concrete as to write a research proposal...

So yeah, it's decided - this next year is going to be about work...about finding my way and the thing I wanna do in my life...and I guess that is a pretty big thing.

Well, the next problem was to find a place to stay in Vienna since I moved out of the apartment I shared with my brother in August 2008 and since then I have been living in Rome, Stanford, travelling, staying at home at my mum's or with Rafael or my Schnur...and finding a proper place to stay in Vienna is tough (as probably everywhere)!! The first room in a shared apartment I checked out was perfect - nice room, nice people, nice location, good price! But the people in the apartment didnt take me because, I quote, "you're too good to be true! We decided to give the room to someone who has difficulties finding one and we are sure you won't" - I thought that was a joke...but nope, they were serious about it! Well, I somehow like their social attitude but I still hope they got a weird pervert or so instead of me :P
But now I found a 46 m2 apartment all for myself...and super close to the school in which Im going to work as of September. Im going to move in 1 August and I am looking forward to have my own four walls again...

So things are falling into place...not the exact way I wanted them, but it is going to be alright. I am satisfied and try to make the best out of it. Like always. Im trying my best.
And still, many things go wrong or are different from what I expect and this disappoints me. My greatest enemy in life is myself. I am the one that disappoints me the most. And my insecurity about myself that I am struggling with day by day. I think my friends think of me as a strong person but I also know they are wrong. It's true that I can be tough in many situations...but basically Im thinking too much and Im too sensitive for being tough! Every word I hear, every picture I see has some sort of impact on me...and although this can be a very pleasing can also be a pain in the neck since my mind plays a lot of tricks on me.

Im insecure and I look for approval in other people. I often need other people to feel good about myself. Sometimes I dont, it depends on my daily to minutely mood. If people only give me their complaints...if they only tell me what I do wrong, I really feel bad about myself...because I think of things and see that Im making a lot of mistakes. I guess most people function like this. I feel better if someone says something nice about me. I think this is normal. But this can be difficult I said, my mind plays tricks on me and sometimes I lack the strength to be on top of my mood and my feelings. I lose control and do whatever I feel like - I get mad, angry, sad, crazy and so on. I have been trying hard and I do really well as long as I am not getting involved with people...people fuck me up or better and more honest - I fuck myself up with the help of other people. I can be really fine and balanced but only one person needs to say something wrong, something I didn't expect, then I can lose grip of myself and get sad or angry or both.

I once read a nice Buddhist story that was similar - A monk was living alone in the mountains and was meditating all day and being one with existence. One day a farmer reaches the monk's cave and asks him what he is doing there. The monk explains that he tries to be one with the world and accept existence the way it is. The farmer tells him to go to hell whereon the monk gets really angry and shouts at the farmer. The farmer laughs and says that it is easy to be one with the world when you are alone in a cave...

There's a lot of wisdom in this little story - it is easy to be happy and cool if no one and nothing is bothering you. But the thing that makes life difficult but that can be the most beautiful at the same time is human relationships...they can give you so much, but also ruin you to an extend that you totally lose yourself. Im exaggerating in some ways, but I've seen and been through so many difficult situations involving people. And the main thing people complain about is other people. Im looking for the right way to manage relationships but often I am wrong - there are misunderstandings, unexpressed things, underlying issues and little details that all matter, and basically as a human you're forced to live with your own perspective most of the time...and it is hard to get something like a full picture because reality as such doesn't exist. We can only assume how other people look at thing and how they think.

Because the next problem that might ease many difficulties but often make things more complicated is communication. Achieving a good communication with people is very hard. And words are just ways of putting things, a way of trying to make sense that doesnt necessarily make sense for other people. (like what I am writing here!?!?!) Well, at the moment I am losing faith in communication and human relationships...I don't know how to handle them. When I dont put much effort, the other person gets disappointed. If I put much effort and expect things, I get burned.

But I think the underlying issue here is expectations - I think most people expect things from other people. Especially if there is some sort of emotional involvement. And this is where things basically go wrong. If you expect things from other people, you are an easy target for disappointment. If you don't expect things, you can do great. But have you ever managed not to expect anything from anyone you cared for? Family, Friends, Lovers? I don't know a single person who is able NOT TO EXPECT anything...maybe some enlightened Buddhists like the Dalai Lama can do that...I don't know. I would like to know though. And I would like to know how to learn NOT TO EXPECT.

So if you know someone, introduce me to him/her.
If you got any answers or comments or thoughts about this, please share them with me...seriously.

Good night and good Luck!

PS: My musical recommandation tonight is Spinnerette. Some of you might remeber the hottest chick punk rock has ever seen, namely Brody Dalle.
She was the singer of the Distillers and the wife of Tim Armstrong. But she fell in love with Josh Homme, the QOTSA singer. The divorce is documented in one of my favourite records ever, the Distillers' Coral Fang. After a musical break and becoming a mum, she is back with a new band called Spinnerette that obviously are influenced by the music her husband is producing. But nevertheless, she is still able to write amazing songs, great lyrics and has a powerful voice. This one is one of my favourites from their first record: Spinnerette - The Walking Dead