It ain't gonna save me...

 Hey ho!

It's Saturday and I just had lunch with my little sister. I prepared a simple dish, rice with chili tofu, fruit and curry and it was soo hot we didn't finish the plates...so much for my experimentational cooking skills. I guess my mum will try to save it because she doesn't like to throw things away.

Neither do I. In the cellar, I have boxes full of memories and occasionally I sneak down and wallow in the past...some memories have faded, but some are still fresh and often I can go back to them and for a short moment, smell...taste...feel certain sensations that are part of my past.
But it is cool to close the fuckin' memory box and move on...because life is too short to sleep our days away and wallow in memories!

Today is THE day in the carneval season in Austria and basically all my friends dress up for this occasion. I didn't want to, but my best friend has bought a crown for me and funnily enough, asked me to be the Queen of Misery - a nick name I haven't used since Facebook won over Myspace...So yes, I will wear  a crown tonight and do the thing I am really good at - being the fuckin Queen of Misery...

Which is actually really retarded since I am not feeling miserable at all...and who doesn't feel miserable from time to time for some or another reason?? Maybe because the guy you had a crush on has a girlfriend? Because your cat died? Because your favourite musician is going mainstream?? Because you don't like yourself?? Because you don't know what to do with your life???

I know some people who actually feel miserable, but do not admit it and then act like dicks because they can't deal with themselves. They corrupt their surroundings so much by their behavior that in the end everyone feels miserable...Do you know a person like this?? I don't how to act about them...I mean I tried to be nice, I told them my opinion, I asked them what was wrong, I offered them my help...BUT NO WAY!! They do not change...

Somewhere I read that many people are basically unhappy because they want to. They are so used to feeling miserable that they can't help but feel like this all the time. And even if they are ok, some of them will never admit it (even to themselves) since they are afraid of living without this misery around them. Weirdly enough, misery is their source of inspiration for life...

Yes, we all know the cliché that good artists are the ones that suffer most. In some cases this is/was true. Misery has inspired a great many artists to produce the coronations of their oeuvre...some even went crazy...or killed themselves...and some people feel attracted by these miserable individuals that often live a self-destructive life...

But why so?

For some it is the helper syndrom that makes us unconsciously looking for people who we can help. And yes, even helping someone else can make you feel miserable if that person doesn't want your help or acts if she/he doesn't need it...

Whatever....there are tons of reason to feel miserable....but are there as many reasons to be happy???

Fuck YES!! We just have to admit it and let it happen...sometimes we are so stuck in our daily routine that we don't get it...we make it hard for yourselves to have these flashes of sudden happiness that actually occur...
Like when you get a phone call from a friend you haven't heard from in ages....or when your financial aid is extended for another semester....or when you sing karaoke with your sister and both mess up so much....or when you're winning the staring contests with your cat....

Sometimes I think my life is damn boring because nothing is happening...but some time ago, I found this little internet page called "My Life Is Average" (click me if you wanna see me!!!) (you have to see it!!!)  that since then cheers me up...I am not the only person with an "average" life...and sometimes it is just about what you make of it...what you think of it...the point of view that you take....

And with this incredibly smart message, I let you go into the final days of this weekend...
XOXO
S

PS: And here a non-miserable artist that died nevertheless for no apparent reason...talent Jay Reatard who since the age of 15 has released tons of records...and has inspired many other musicians with his simple will of making music...and not going mainstream, but just doing what he wanted to do...
This is his last single called "It ain't gonna save me" (click me!!) and I fuckin love this video...I'd have loved to be there....
And if you like this song, check out his last record called "Watch Me Fall"....I have been listening to it the last 3 weeks...love it! Jay Reatard rest in peace!!

In Exile...

Hey everyone...

Im sorry for letting you wait for this post quite a while, but life was just in between everything...and now I feel trapped in my little room as it's incredibly cold and for tomorrow they annonced some more snow...yay!! :-/
Im too thoughtful and nerdy for playing guitar, so I thought why not update the blog and write some pointless gibberish...

Well, the breaking news are that I finished the first part of my thesis some days ago and sent it to my supervisor for feedback. When I sent it, I felt as if some weight was taken off my shoulder...and since then I get up every day not knowing what to do with the spare time...


One thing I always end up doing is when I have too much time to waste is to think. I do excessive thinking which does not always have a good outcome. The more I think about getting my degree, life, the future, the past, people...the more I get weird and often also sad and scared.
Because I hit so many questions for which I have no answers. And having no answers is scary as shit...

Currently I'm struggeling with one major question every day. What am I gonna do after I graduated? I have no fuckin idea...I started studing to become a teacher, but during my studies I figured out that I dont wanna be a teacher, not yet. I consider myself too young and unexperienced to be a good teacher. And I dont wanna end up being tucked in a school system I consider a failure...

As I have mentioned before, I don't want much from my future life...happiness is all I hope for. But I'm so afraid of ending up in a job that I hate, doing it for the money and having difficulties to find something that I like. Since with this kind of education, at least in Austria, one is predestined to be a teacher and nothing but a teacher...

Well, I wanna be a teacher a some point in my life when I feel like I have something to teach...On the one hand, they claim that all the doors in this world are open for you as soon as you graduated, but on the other you can (often) only work within the certain realm that your studies have taught to you about. But what if I have developed during my studies and became a totally different person from what I was when I enrolled at uni?? (And was forced to finish it due to money issues...)  What if I have no fuckin idea about what I wanna actually do? What if I don't have any ready-made careers in my mind? What if I don't even know where to go except for the fact that I don't wanna stay in Vienna??

Sometimes I really envy the people who have an idea about how their life should look like and as soon as they graduate from school, they work on realizing this...and don't give up until they work in the company they want (or have their own), earn as much money as they want, live in the appartment they want, have the partner they want, and so forth...

So what do you do when your mental health is being destabilized by a shitload of questions for which you dont have any answers? Try to relax and hope that things will turn out well??

Yes what else can you do...

Sometimes it makes me sick how much I worry about my useless little existence while other people on this planet really have to deal with PROBLEMS...

Well, my creative energy came back and since the henna from my head is melting down like ice-cream in the sun, I go to rinse this shit off and play guitar, loud and badly to annoy my neighbors (and my mum...)
So long...
S

PS: The band I advise you to listen to today is called Thrice. Their old stuff has been influenced by hardcore but they have become calmer lately. Their songs fit my current mood and their lyrics are just amazing...there you go: Thrice - In Exile