Wednesday, February 3, 2010

In Exile...

Hey everyone...

Im sorry for letting you wait for this post quite a while, but life was just in between everything...and now I feel trapped in my little room as it's incredibly cold and for tomorrow they annonced some more snow...yay!! :-/
Im too thoughtful and nerdy for playing guitar, so I thought why not update the blog and write some pointless gibberish...

Well, the breaking news are that I finished the first part of my thesis some days ago and sent it to my supervisor for feedback. When I sent it, I felt as if some weight was taken off my shoulder...and since then I get up every day not knowing what to do with the spare time...


One thing I always end up doing is when I have too much time to waste is to think. I do excessive thinking which does not always have a good outcome. The more I think about getting my degree, life, the future, the past, people...the more I get weird and often also sad and scared.
Because I hit so many questions for which I have no answers. And having no answers is scary as shit...

Currently I'm struggeling with one major question every day. What am I gonna do after I graduated? I have no fuckin idea...I started studing to become a teacher, but during my studies I figured out that I dont wanna be a teacher, not yet. I consider myself too young and unexperienced to be a good teacher. And I dont wanna end up being tucked in a school system I consider a failure...

As I have mentioned before, I don't want much from my future life...happiness is all I hope for. But I'm so afraid of ending up in a job that I hate, doing it for the money and having difficulties to find something that I like. Since with this kind of education, at least in Austria, one is predestined to be a teacher and nothing but a teacher...

Well, I wanna be a teacher a some point in my life when I feel like I have something to teach...On the one hand, they claim that all the doors in this world are open for you as soon as you graduated, but on the other you can (often) only work within the certain realm that your studies have taught to you about. But what if I have developed during my studies and became a totally different person from what I was when I enrolled at uni?? (And was forced to finish it due to money issues...)  What if I have no fuckin idea about what I wanna actually do? What if I don't have any ready-made careers in my mind? What if I don't even know where to go except for the fact that I don't wanna stay in Vienna??

Sometimes I really envy the people who have an idea about how their life should look like and as soon as they graduate from school, they work on realizing this...and don't give up until they work in the company they want (or have their own), earn as much money as they want, live in the appartment they want, have the partner they want, and so forth...

So what do you do when your mental health is being destabilized by a shitload of questions for which you dont have any answers? Try to relax and hope that things will turn out well??

Yes what else can you do...

Sometimes it makes me sick how much I worry about my useless little existence while other people on this planet really have to deal with PROBLEMS...

Well, my creative energy came back and since the henna from my head is melting down like ice-cream in the sun, I go to rinse this shit off and play guitar, loud and badly to annoy my neighbors (and my mum...)
So long...
S

PS: The band I advise you to listen to today is called Thrice. Their old stuff has been influenced by hardcore but they have become calmer lately. Their songs fit my current mood and their lyrics are just amazing...there you go: Thrice - In Exile

1 comment:

  1. "Sometimes I really envy the people who have an idea about how their life should look like and as soon as they graduate from school, they work on realizing this...and don't give up until they work in the company they want (or have their own), earn as much money as they want, live in the appartment they want, have the partner they want, and so forth..."

    hollywood bullshit! ich kenne NIEMANDEN, der so lebt! all diese dinge machen nicht dauerhaft glücklich..gar nichts macht dauerhaft glücklich!

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