A Prescription for Mankind...

Hey there!

I know it took me a while but Im finally back with an update on life and the latest questions I have tried to think about...

Well, it has been busy. I have been busy. And it was emotionally perturbing in so many ways. I graduated. I needed a job. A last minute decision brought me a summer job as a receptionist in a youth hostel in Vienna. It can get stressful but most of the time I enjoy the work because I like helping people and that what's my main task there...help them with rooms and finding their way around the city. And my colleagues are really nice, the money I earn is right and so Im satisfied.

Im also translating a book - yes, a whole 300 pages book about Airway Management from American English to German. Im doing this for the paramedics from Samariter Bund and I tell you, these guys are smart people if they know all the stuff I translate...the book is highly medical and focussing on the physical and manual aspects of making people breathe better in emergency situations. Although I have been a member of the Youth Red Cross for about 2 years and even have won a price in First Aid with a group from there, I don't know anything about airway management. So it is quite a demanding task - but definitely interesting to learn what the heck they are talking about in Emergency Room.

And I have finally made the decision - in pretty demotivated and sad circumstances - that Im going to spend another year in Vienna and do the practical year of my teacher education to get the full permission to work as a teacher. I wanted to go to the US so bad the whole year...but I have not seen the right possibility. It is so difficult to obtain a proper visa and the au-pair thing I have had in mind didnt work out. So change of plans...I also attended the "uni success" fair at the university in Vienna - basically a fair about careers and I decided to apply for a Fulbright scholarship for a doctorate/PhD in the US next year!! The application process is super tough, but if I get one I could write my dissertation at an American university and teach there...which would be an amazing thing to do...
But this needs preperation and I need to find a professor at an American uni that would be interested in supervising my dissertation. And figure out a topic first...I got some ideas, but nothing so concrete as to write a research proposal...

So yeah, it's decided - this next year is going to be about work...about finding my way and the thing I wanna do in my life...and I guess that is a pretty big thing.

Well, the next problem was to find a place to stay in Vienna since I moved out of the apartment I shared with my brother in August 2008 and since then I have been living in Rome, Stanford, travelling, staying at home at my mum's or with Rafael or my Schnur...and finding a proper place to stay in Vienna is tough (as probably everywhere)!! The first room in a shared apartment I checked out was perfect - nice room, nice people, nice location, good price! But the people in the apartment didnt take me because, I quote, "you're too good to be true! We decided to give the room to someone who has difficulties finding one and we are sure you won't" - I thought that was a joke...but nope, they were serious about it! Well, I somehow like their social attitude but I still hope they got a weird pervert or so instead of me :P
But now I found a 46 m2 apartment all for myself...and super close to the school in which Im going to work as of September. Im going to move in 1 August and I am looking forward to have my own four walls again...

So things are falling into place...not the exact way I wanted them, but it is going to be alright. I am satisfied and try to make the best out of it. Like always. Im trying my best.
And still, many things go wrong or are different from what I expect and this disappoints me. My greatest enemy in life is myself. I am the one that disappoints me the most. And my insecurity about myself that I am struggling with day by day. I think my friends think of me as a strong person but I also know they are wrong. It's true that I can be tough in many situations...but basically Im thinking too much and Im too sensitive for being tough! Every word I hear, every picture I see has some sort of impact on me...and although this can be a very pleasing quality...it can also be a pain in the neck since my mind plays a lot of tricks on me.

Im insecure and I look for approval in other people. I often need other people to feel good about myself. Sometimes I dont, it depends on my daily to minutely mood. If people only give me their complaints...if they only tell me what I do wrong, I really feel bad about myself...because I think of things and see that Im making a lot of mistakes. I guess most people function like this. I feel better if someone says something nice about me. I think this is normal. But this can be difficult sometimes...as I said, my mind plays tricks on me and sometimes I lack the strength to be on top of my mood and my feelings. I lose control and do whatever I feel like - I get mad, angry, sad, crazy and so on. I have been trying hard and I do really well as long as I am not getting involved with people...people fuck me up or better and more honest - I fuck myself up with the help of other people. I can be really fine and balanced but only one person needs to say something wrong, something I didn't expect, then I can lose grip of myself and get sad or angry or both.

I once read a nice Buddhist story that was similar - A monk was living alone in the mountains and was meditating all day and being one with existence. One day a farmer reaches the monk's cave and asks him what he is doing there. The monk explains that he tries to be one with the world and accept existence the way it is. The farmer tells him to go to hell whereon the monk gets really angry and shouts at the farmer. The farmer laughs and says that it is easy to be one with the world when you are alone in a cave...

There's a lot of wisdom in this little story - it is easy to be happy and cool if no one and nothing is bothering you. But the thing that makes life difficult but that can be the most beautiful at the same time is human relationships...they can give you so much, but also ruin you to an extend that you totally lose yourself. Im exaggerating in some ways, but I've seen and been through so many difficult situations involving people. And the main thing people complain about is other people. Im looking for the right way to manage relationships but often I am wrong - there are misunderstandings, unexpressed things, underlying issues and little details that all matter, and basically as a human you're forced to live with your own perspective most of the time...and it is hard to get something like a full picture because reality as such doesn't exist. We can only assume how other people look at thing and how they think.

Because the next problem that might ease many difficulties but often make things more complicated is communication. Achieving a good communication with people is very hard. And words are just ways of putting things, a way of trying to make sense that doesnt necessarily make sense for other people. (like what I am writing here!?!?!) Well, at the moment I am losing faith in communication and human relationships...I don't know how to handle them. When I dont put much effort, the other person gets disappointed. If I put much effort and expect things, I get burned.

But I think the underlying issue here is expectations - I think most people expect things from other people. Especially if there is some sort of emotional involvement. And this is where things basically go wrong. If you expect things from other people, you are an easy target for disappointment. If you don't expect things, you can do great. But have you ever managed not to expect anything from anyone you cared for? Family, Friends, Lovers? I don't know a single person who is able NOT TO EXPECT anything...maybe some enlightened Buddhists like the Dalai Lama can do that...I don't know. I would like to know though. And I would like to know how to learn NOT TO EXPECT.

So if you know someone, introduce me to him/her.
If you got any answers or comments or thoughts about this, please share them with me...seriously.

Good night and good Luck!
S

PS: My musical recommandation tonight is Spinnerette. Some of you might remeber the hottest chick punk rock has ever seen, namely Brody Dalle.

She was the singer of the Distillers and the wife of Tim Armstrong. But she fell in love with Josh Homme, the QOTSA singer. The divorce is documented in one of my favourite records ever, the Distillers' Coral Fang. After a musical break and becoming a mum, she is back with a new band called Spinnerette that obviously are influenced by the music her husband is producing. But nevertheless, she is still able to write amazing songs, great lyrics and has a powerful voice. This one is one of my favourites from their first record: Spinnerette - The Walking Dead

Interludes with Ludes...

Hey there...

What's up?

Im at home, drinking Gösser NaturRadler and listen to music. Which is nice. But there are not many other things that you wanna do if it has been raining for days...like here in Austria, we have had the worst May ever!! It rained the whole month! It was just horrible...I wanna know how much this weather has affected the Austrian people in general? If the morale has declined about 100% and people are more motivated to kill their workmates as to work properly??

For students, this lack of sunshine is great as it implies a lack of possibilities to go and "study" in the park...which always end in some cans of beer and no interest in books...

I was one of these students....until about 2 weeks ago...when I had the big FINAL exam!! The two weeks before it, I was hiding in the appartment, head in the books, writing til my fingers hurt and I got cramps...the three days before the exam I had signed up for sitting at the info counter of the Vienna real estate fair because they pay well and I'm always in need of money. So I was sitting there, reading my summaries and answering the same questions for three days. Well, actually it was good to work there because if I stayed home, I'd have gone mad with excitement and nervosity. Two days before the exam, I had a small nervous breakdown: I sat in the kitchen, in between books and scribbled notes and felt so dumb...like I didn't know anything anymore...I couldn't answer the easiest questions and I felt totally overwhelmed with excitement...I cried...it was too much for me! However, I followed my professor's advice: "Just get someone to hug you before the exam"...and I went to bed.

The night of the exam I got all worried because I hadn't decided on a motivational song for the exam...and it was not easy to find one. I just couldn't decide...so two made it into the finals: 1) The Gaslight Anthem - Drive and 2) One Man Army - All The Way...both songs that I associate with good moments and good people..and I listened to them on the way to university the next day.

And I went to the exam...all nervous...I went to pee like 15 times...and I didn't know which room the exam was going to take place, so I had to call my colleague who had the exam right after me and was always better informed than me (Thanx again Michi!!).
I found the room, found two of the three professors that were goin to test me. And the last one, the supervisor of my thesis, also appeared...we shut the door...smalltalk...nervosity...smiles...acting as if I was as cool as fuck...and my supervisor asked me to present my thesis...and explain what and why I did it...first question over, 10 minutes have passed...next topic: American culture in Austria since WW II...

...questions like "What is pop culture?"...be careful to avoid traps...fuck, stepped in a trap...try to make my way out...change the topic...done...20 minutes over, 40 to go...third question- "The Beat Poets" - "Recite the first line of Alan Ginsberg's poem "Howl"...messed up one word..."Why was it banned??"...outrageous content...SEXSEXSEXHOMOSEXUALSINTHE50sDRUGSINDECENTBEHAVIOR...talktalktalk...last question "Why have the Beat poets been important?"...influeced the later generations, idea of freedom...nobody fuckin with you...importance for pop culture...BLABLABLA

Then my French professor started to ask questions...I mess up the first question...he talks and talks and talks...I wanna say something...he talks...20 mins to go...I say something...he disagrees...I get really nervous now...I try to switch topic...he talks...I listen and look at my other professor who blinks at me...he talks...I know I'm not doing so great. Second topic...I talk...a little more...he asks a question...I reply...he talks...and talks...I hope that it's over soon...my palms are sweaty...

I say something, he disagrees...I think I messed up completely. TIME OVER! They ask me to leave the room...

I wait outside...there are other people waiting...I try to talk to them, can't stand still...feel useless...EVERHOPINGTHEBESTBUTEXPECTINGTHEWORST I repeat in my head...it hurts...I wanna go home...after what seems to be forever, the door opens and they ask me in again...the chairprofessor announes: "I'm happy to congratulate you, you have passed...and actually WITH DISTINCTION...."...me: "What? How so??"...why do they want me to pass with distinction as I messed up in French...my French professor says "Well, I had a hard time to agree on the distinction, but I know you know the things I have asked you!!" (I have been in his office hours two days before and he asked me the same questions which I answered without problems....)...I feel weird...shake their hands...say thank you...and can leave the room...it is over...DONE...FINITO...BASTA...

And about two weeks later it still feels weird...I now got (something like) a master in teacher education in English and French...I'm done with university...tomorrow I can pick up my final certificate...and I can sign up for the official graduation ceremony which primarily aims at making my parents happy - not me because I pay 80€ for this crap...and haven't I paid enough university fees in the last couple of years???...graduation should be for free!! Even if you don't want the official ceremony, you pay 60€ for this crappy piece of paper that says you're an academic...(even if I still feel like a useless moron 99% of the time....)

Well, some people might be incredibly happy about graduation...I am too, but within limits...I mean now, they gonna cut on my financial aid and I gotta get a job...and for someone who doesn't know what she wants to do, finding a job sucks...especially because I don't wanna commit. I need a temporary job because I still hope to get a job in the US or if this doesn't work out I've decided to try my luck in Berlin...other options are staying in Vienna, sign up for school and teach English an French in high school...which is actually why I studied...but during the years I have changed my mind. Not that I don't like the idea of being a teacher (since I am a fuckin smartass and I hate myself for that) but I don't feel MATURE enough to go into a school and teach teenagers about life (in English)...I feel like a little girl and I don't wanna start doing this job because there are basically no career opportunities...not that I am much into gettin a career, but I don't wanna do the same job for the rest of my life!! I don't wanna end up like one of these frustrated teachers that hate their job but that are afraid of changing something...

I wanna do something that makes me happy and not stay in Vienna...because after six years here, I feel like something new...a new place and a new life...new opportunities...

So I spend a lot of time on the internet, looking for ideas and addresses, people and possibilities...and hope that one day I wake up and all things will fall into place...keep your fingers crossed and wish me luck...

Well, I feel like I've written enough so far...and I don't wanna fill you guys and gals up with too much information...and I know most people do not like to read from the screen. But since I got so much feedback and so many comments last time, I don't think many people are actually reading my shameful gibberish anyway!!!

So good night and good luck...

PS: Tomorrow I'm going to see Them Crooked Vultures live in the Arena in Vienna...I would have never bought a ticket because 43€ is way too much in my opinion...I usually pay around 20€ for all the shows I go to...my friend said it's because I only go to see second rate bands...ha ha ha...well, I got a ticket and so I'm going to see Dave Grohl for the first time behind the drums...and Josh Homme for the first time (I still hate myself for not having seen Queens of the Stone Age live yet!!) and the bassist of Led Zeppelin John Paul Fuckin Jones...well, let's go and see what has been labeled a "super band"...open-air in the rain...with shitloads of beer because I'm very thirsty these day....here's the link to one of their songs: Them Crooked Vultures - Scumbag Blues

Arrhythmic Palpitations...

Hello everyone!!

How has life been treating you lately?? All going well? Or are you stressed out and on the verge of a nervous breakdown??

Faster Bullet...

Dear fellow humans!

again i have to apologize for being so lazy and not keeping you updated...life is running by fast...week after week...month after month...semester after semester...and so on and so on...

so im back with weird/bad news...ive got GALLSTONES!! yes, i cant believe it...
i thought only elderly people are suffering from this...old ladies...that tell you with whom they were in the same hospital room...and what that person suffers from...and what their kids do...all the gossip they heard in the days of their hospitalization...

but yeah, even the doctors were puzzled because this is not so common in my age...im special wooooo!!!

as some people might know, my dad has been in hospital for quite a while last year. he had a stroke and while he was in hospital, they also diagnosed him with cancer. so i spent quite some time visiting him there...while being there, i couldnt help but make fun of everything...not in a negative way but i just tried to make people laugh about random things there...i was constantly joking around because i felt the need to make the people in there smile and maybe even a little happy.  often they didnt get my jokes and sometimes they looked at me with this what-the-fuck expression...but i still think that they liked when i came into the hospital room...or at least wondered about me...

today im back at hospital, but this time i am the patient. im a little nervous, running around the house like an ant on speed, checking if ive got everything to spend a "good" time in hospital. yesterday it took me two hours to charge my iPod with the right music for the setting...
i also bring also three different book...two for university (i gotta study for my final exam) and one by the Dalai Lama talking about happiness...i can really recommend this one for people who interested in buddhism and know the basic principles...otherwise, i think, it is a bit difficult...all the buddhist concepts and stuff...

well tomorrow morning they are gonna cut up my stomach...one little hole around the belly button and then they are gonna extract the gall bladder...they take out the whole thing because they say i dont need it...i was wondering why it is there in the first place if i dont need it. but they said that mine is not working well, so it makes no sense to keep it there...and the gall "juice" is produced in the liver anyway, so "goodbye gall bladder, i am not gonna miss u!!"...well, at least i hope so!!!

i am gonna take some pics at the hospital and as soon as im out, which will be by saturday if everything goes as planned, i will make an update and post some stuff...Weird tales from the Surgery Ward or so...

well, i hope you guys are all happy and enjoying life...if you are reading this blog, it would be really nice if you left me a lil comment from time to time, so i can see that you care...i dont like when people dont care...

Have a good one,
S


PS: my music recommandation is some sweet dirty reggae from california that support(ed) the spring feeling i felt for the two days of sunshine we had so far...by the aggrolites...who are going to play in Vienna on the 4th May and in Graz on the 5th May...if you like what you hear, go and check 'em out!!! The Aggrolites - Faster Bullet

Gabba gabba hey...

Dear Readers...

Sorry that I haven't updated this blog for a while but I have been busy. And about a week ago I took a plane, flew about 11.000 km south to beautiful, loud, crazy, hot, humid, brrruuoozzaaaa Rio de Janeiro.
And here I am now.

It is the first time I'm in a foreign country of which I don't speak or even understand the language. So I feel kinda helpless...and without help I guess I'd be totally lost here.

Because this place is mad!! I have been to Rome and thought it was a really crazy place...but this here beats good 'ol Roma easily. If I say mad, I mean the good, positive kind of madness...the one that makes you see that you're still alive and that there are places that are really different from what you are used to.

I haven't been at the famous Christ statue yet that overlooks Rio 24/7 (they are renovate the dude right now so he is in some sort of a cage)....but I'm staying right under his right arm pit...and I can see him looking at me from up there. For good or ill...

The humidity is soo insane - you basically sweat all the time. And it makes my hair kinda curly...they have air condition everywhere and I really enjoy it to step from an air conditioned place out into the exploding warmth - I imagine that this might be similar to the cold in Austria and how fuckin good it feels to step into a warm surrounding...

Beer is pretty cheap here, about 1,60 €, a small one. And we drink a lot of it. Last night I had my first real 100% original caipirinha and guess what - it doesnt taste much like the shit they sell us at home. It is way purer and stronger and the watered down crap they call caipi at home...you can't somehow get real drunk because you sweat the alcohol out the moment you consume it...which is fun, but also bad for your budget...

Rafael brought me to this Ramones store here in Rio and the owner showed us pics of him, his dad and Joey Ramone up at the Christ statue...sooo cool!! He told us that his father and Joey Ramone went to the same school and were friends. So the guy now opened this Ramones store where you can buy the licensed merch and soon they'll throw an opening party where Joey Ramone's brother and Marky Ramone will perform!!! I think this is a unique shop and I'd love to be here for the opening...

The next two weeks will be busy...we're going out every day, checking out new places like the rain forest that is around and also in the city, the sugar loaf, the Christ statue, the beaches....there's soo much to see and I somehow fear that I don't have enough time! Im also going to see a soccer game at the famous Maracana stadium...yes! me!?? soccer!! in a stadium!!! sounds like the least probable thing on earth, but I think it is somethink one has to experience once in a life time!!
On Sunday, we go to see Guns'N'Roses in the famous Sambadromo...in Vienna I'd never care to see them, but here we got the tickets for free and I think this it's also going to be an awesome experience!

Well, what's life about if not experience??? 

I recently finished reading "The Dharma Bums" by Jack Kerouac and I loved it! Such a great piece of American literature...so positive and easy and making you think about the simple and important things in life...if you are interested in Buddhism, hitchhiking, free traveling and life stripped down to the most basic things, and if you liked Jack Kerouac's "On the Road", then go for it....
Here a short exerpt I particularly enjoyed:
         "I've been reading Whitman, know what he says, Cheer up slaves, and horrify foreign despots, he means that's the attitude for Bard, the Zen Lunacy bards of old desert paths, see the whole thing is a world full of rucksack wanderers, Dharma Bums refusing to subscribe to the general demand that they consume production and therefore have to work for the privilege of consuming, all that crap they didn't really want anyway such as refrigerators, TV sets, cars, at least new fancy cars, certain hair oils and deodorants and general junk you finally always see a week later in the garbage anyway, all of them imprisoned in a system of work, produce, consume, work, produce, consume, I see a vision of a great rucksack revolution thousands of even millions of young Americans wandering around with rucksacks, going up to mountains to pray, making children laugh and old men glad, making young girls happy and old girls happier, all of 'em Zen lunatics who go about writing poems that happen to appear in their heads for no reason and also by being kind also by strange unexpected acts keep giving visions of eternal freedom to everybody and to all living creatures..."

Well, I am glad there are idealists who dream great dreams and still see the good side about mankind. Unfortunately, Kerouac died pretty depressed and disillusioned due to his alcoholism....that's obviously the price one pays for believing...

Right now I am reading the complete opposite of Dharma Bums....William Burroughs "Naked Lunch"....when I was about 10 pages into it, I asked Rafael "What the fuck is this guy talking about?"...now I am on page 46 and I still don't get anything except for disgusting and repulsive descriptions....Jesus! If anyone of you had experience with this book, I'd be happy if you helped me out!!

Well, I gotta go, the whole family here gathers to watch the Flamengo vs. Caracas soccer game on TV and I don't wanna be impolite and insult their team by not joining in...and they got some beer, so...
Good night and good luck!!!

PS: Since I've mentioned the Ramones, well here the usual link to a video....a fuckin classic of punk rock The Ramones - Judy is A Punk live at CBGB's

It ain't gonna save me...

 Hey ho!

It's Saturday and I just had lunch with my little sister. I prepared a simple dish, rice with chili tofu, fruit and curry and it was soo hot we didn't finish the plates...so much for my experimentational cooking skills. I guess my mum will try to save it because she doesn't like to throw things away.

Neither do I. In the cellar, I have boxes full of memories and occasionally I sneak down and wallow in the past...some memories have faded, but some are still fresh and often I can go back to them and for a short moment, smell...taste...feel certain sensations that are part of my past.
But it is cool to close the fuckin' memory box and move on...because life is too short to sleep our days away and wallow in memories!

Today is THE day in the carneval season in Austria and basically all my friends dress up for this occasion. I didn't want to, but my best friend has bought a crown for me and funnily enough, asked me to be the Queen of Misery - a nick name I haven't used since Facebook won over Myspace...So yes, I will wear  a crown tonight and do the thing I am really good at - being the fuckin Queen of Misery...

Which is actually really retarded since I am not feeling miserable at all...and who doesn't feel miserable from time to time for some or another reason?? Maybe because the guy you had a crush on has a girlfriend? Because your cat died? Because your favourite musician is going mainstream?? Because you don't like yourself?? Because you don't know what to do with your life???

I know some people who actually feel miserable, but do not admit it and then act like dicks because they can't deal with themselves. They corrupt their surroundings so much by their behavior that in the end everyone feels miserable...Do you know a person like this?? I don't how to act about them...I mean I tried to be nice, I told them my opinion, I asked them what was wrong, I offered them my help...BUT NO WAY!! They do not change...

Somewhere I read that many people are basically unhappy because they want to. They are so used to feeling miserable that they can't help but feel like this all the time. And even if they are ok, some of them will never admit it (even to themselves) since they are afraid of living without this misery around them. Weirdly enough, misery is their source of inspiration for life...

Yes, we all know the cliché that good artists are the ones that suffer most. In some cases this is/was true. Misery has inspired a great many artists to produce the coronations of their oeuvre...some even went crazy...or killed themselves...and some people feel attracted by these miserable individuals that often live a self-destructive life...

But why so?

For some it is the helper syndrom that makes us unconsciously looking for people who we can help. And yes, even helping someone else can make you feel miserable if that person doesn't want your help or acts if she/he doesn't need it...

Whatever....there are tons of reason to feel miserable....but are there as many reasons to be happy???

Fuck YES!! We just have to admit it and let it happen...sometimes we are so stuck in our daily routine that we don't get it...we make it hard for yourselves to have these flashes of sudden happiness that actually occur...
Like when you get a phone call from a friend you haven't heard from in ages....or when your financial aid is extended for another semester....or when you sing karaoke with your sister and both mess up so much....or when you're winning the staring contests with your cat....

Sometimes I think my life is damn boring because nothing is happening...but some time ago, I found this little internet page called "My Life Is Average" (click me if you wanna see me!!!) (you have to see it!!!)  that since then cheers me up...I am not the only person with an "average" life...and sometimes it is just about what you make of it...what you think of it...the point of view that you take....

And with this incredibly smart message, I let you go into the final days of this weekend...
XOXO
S

PS: And here a non-miserable artist that died nevertheless for no apparent reason...talent Jay Reatard who since the age of 15 has released tons of records...and has inspired many other musicians with his simple will of making music...and not going mainstream, but just doing what he wanted to do...
This is his last single called "It ain't gonna save me" (click me!!) and I fuckin love this video...I'd have loved to be there....
And if you like this song, check out his last record called "Watch Me Fall"....I have been listening to it the last 3 weeks...love it! Jay Reatard rest in peace!!

In Exile...

Hey everyone...

Im sorry for letting you wait for this post quite a while, but life was just in between everything...and now I feel trapped in my little room as it's incredibly cold and for tomorrow they annonced some more snow...yay!! :-/
Im too thoughtful and nerdy for playing guitar, so I thought why not update the blog and write some pointless gibberish...

Well, the breaking news are that I finished the first part of my thesis some days ago and sent it to my supervisor for feedback. When I sent it, I felt as if some weight was taken off my shoulder...and since then I get up every day not knowing what to do with the spare time...


One thing I always end up doing is when I have too much time to waste is to think. I do excessive thinking which does not always have a good outcome. The more I think about getting my degree, life, the future, the past, people...the more I get weird and often also sad and scared.
Because I hit so many questions for which I have no answers. And having no answers is scary as shit...

Currently I'm struggeling with one major question every day. What am I gonna do after I graduated? I have no fuckin idea...I started studing to become a teacher, but during my studies I figured out that I dont wanna be a teacher, not yet. I consider myself too young and unexperienced to be a good teacher. And I dont wanna end up being tucked in a school system I consider a failure...

As I have mentioned before, I don't want much from my future life...happiness is all I hope for. But I'm so afraid of ending up in a job that I hate, doing it for the money and having difficulties to find something that I like. Since with this kind of education, at least in Austria, one is predestined to be a teacher and nothing but a teacher...

Well, I wanna be a teacher a some point in my life when I feel like I have something to teach...On the one hand, they claim that all the doors in this world are open for you as soon as you graduated, but on the other you can (often) only work within the certain realm that your studies have taught to you about. But what if I have developed during my studies and became a totally different person from what I was when I enrolled at uni?? (And was forced to finish it due to money issues...)  What if I have no fuckin idea about what I wanna actually do? What if I don't have any ready-made careers in my mind? What if I don't even know where to go except for the fact that I don't wanna stay in Vienna??

Sometimes I really envy the people who have an idea about how their life should look like and as soon as they graduate from school, they work on realizing this...and don't give up until they work in the company they want (or have their own), earn as much money as they want, live in the appartment they want, have the partner they want, and so forth...

So what do you do when your mental health is being destabilized by a shitload of questions for which you dont have any answers? Try to relax and hope that things will turn out well??

Yes what else can you do...

Sometimes it makes me sick how much I worry about my useless little existence while other people on this planet really have to deal with PROBLEMS...

Well, my creative energy came back and since the henna from my head is melting down like ice-cream in the sun, I go to rinse this shit off and play guitar, loud and badly to annoy my neighbors (and my mum...)
So long...
S

PS: The band I advise you to listen to today is called Thrice. Their old stuff has been influenced by hardcore but they have become calmer lately. Their songs fit my current mood and their lyrics are just amazing...there you go: Thrice - In Exile